You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
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Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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