I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
