My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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