when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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