Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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