the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
