I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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