The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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