quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
