I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You're a waste of cheezeits
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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