i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can I color on your dick again?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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