at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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