I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
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I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've changed since you got that strap on
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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