My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
