You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Drunk is a universal language darling
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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