Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Send help, water and tortillas.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
