you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
