i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
