She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dear god my vagina.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
