he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
