You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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