I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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