4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
