just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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