I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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