put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
