And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
