Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
