Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
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she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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