Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
