I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
