How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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