i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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