His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
