i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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