Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
