Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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