Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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