Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
