ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
