so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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