Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
