my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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