Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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