i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
