Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
