She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
