I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
