I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
