The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
