I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize