Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
