I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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